An Immigration Story: Part VIII

There were many people I befriended in middle school, some of whom I no longer associate myself with. There was a time, however, when I was in a very odd stage of losing my heritage. I only listened to western music (meaning pop, hip-hop, R&B, rock, etc.) and never even considered listening to Korean music whatsoever. I scoffed at those who had just come from Korea; we called them FOB’s (fresh off the boat) and teased them endlessly. I had become so attached to Canadian culture that I lost my Korean heritage. I rarely spoke Korean at home, only to my parents, and let’s face it: who speaks to their parents for more than five minutes when you’re thirteen? It was evident that my literacy in Korean was slowly fading away. This was not known to me at the time, but it did eventually dawn on me that I wrote my thoughts down on paper, in English. I needed an improvement, but I had no Korean friends apart from a few who I was not very close to at the time. I did not have a large interest in their group of Korean friends that seemed to be laughing at things I found highly idiotic. I was a snob to those who spoke my first language and had no interest in my culture.

My non-Korean friends, which consisted of 95% of the friends I had, laughed at the Korean FOB’s with me and we had a grand time being exclusive. We had the world at our feet and we were going through puberty – we were invincible. I had a lot of trouble with my parents at home because I rarely came out of my room and tended to blast “loud and disgusting music” they could not bear listening to. My brothers always walked into my room and read my very personal journals and made fun of me, took things without asking, and made my life a living hell. My older brother tended to have a revolution against my dad from time to time, and my younger brother followed without questioning his reason. I suffered in the middle because I had no reason to rebel against my dad. Sure, we had our differences, but I was willing to accept that and move forward with my life. It wasn’t a rare occasion my dad would become extremely sensitive about our behaviour (some could even say he was irritated by our presence at times) and throw a rather violent temper tantrum. He was quite the dramatic male and my brothers and I were constant victims of the release of his frustration at the world. But it had become common, and if anything, his anger management issues were decreasing with each year.

An Immigration Story: Part VII

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I now have to move my immigration story to my personal blog... I hope those of you that have been following my story to continue, although it may not seem as official (since it's no longer on the Law Firm's website). Thanks for reading! :)

The second mishap consisted of a girl named Stacey. She was a very mature looking black girl that got in trouble for small things every day. She liked to bother people in class, especially the quiet kids. She was definitely interested in me, because I was a new student and I was fairly quiet for the first couple of days. She picked on me and took my pencils and pens without asking and just smiled coyly when I was looking at her, astounded there was such a person who dared to take things without asking, in Canada! She was really just a bully that nobody really liked, and she wanted attention from the class. She liked to sing Alicia Keys’ and Beyonce’s songs aloud, and when I laughed at her for being silly, her face turned very somber. She would ask me what was so funny about her singing. I responded I have never heard that song before, so she would go back to singing her songs, because I didn’t know what songs she was singing anyways. She wasn’t the only black person in class, but she was the only mean black girl in class. She wouldn’t listen to anybody when they told her to stop being silly and behave herself, she wouldn’t pay attention to the teachers when they would talk to her in private, and she never listened to me when I would ask kindly for her to return whatever she took from me. I was quite angry one time and I marched right up to her to say, “Give me back my pen! It’s not yours and I didn’t give you permission to use it!” She looked at me curiously and smiled, cockily. She laughed by herself for a bit, and to my surprise, she returned my pen. I said thank you and returned to my seat. She kept staring at me for the rest of the class and I had a feeling she was beginning to like me. Surely she knew better than to assume I would become good friends with her, after harassing me so many times like that. But she did like me, and after that, she never touched my things. She started to yell at me from across the hall saying hi, and patting me on the back (pretty hard, too!) with her abnormal strength. She was an amusing person that did not know how to interact with others if she wanted to become their friend. She was so used to bullying everybody, it was hard for her to fit in as a normal girl. I did not help her, but she did stay out of trouble for a while. I’ll never know if that were due to me standing up to her or something that changed inside her. Either way, Stacey was never amongst the best of my friends, but I accepted her for who she was: a coy girl who really just wanted acceptance from her classmates through means of bullying and harassing others.

IN LOVE or just LOVE?

I've been in love before... My first real love ended in a heart break and since then, I've had to wallow over him for a long while, let myself heal, and love again...

I've been in and out of blissful love... But there comes a time in your love life when you wonder, is this what I want in a relationship? Is it really? I don't know. I'm unsure of myself and everything about my relationship, and it just gets harder and harder to focus on him. I have come to that stage at this moment. I have been stuck in this stage of my relationship for a long time. It's a loop hole that I cannot escape from, and it suffocates me from the inside...

I've thrown tantrums, I've been frustrated, I've been HULK angry, I've been caring, I've been loving, I've been kind, I've been everything you could ask for in a girlfriend and more. Sometimes. But it's not enough sometimes. Sometimes, you want something different. Or you think you do. But do you actually want what you think you do? And there you are again, back to the loop hole that got you wondering in the first place.

I've been faithful. I've considered options. I've cheated. I've renewed my faith each time, and yet, I cannot make myself happy. What will I do next? This is a question of the heart, yet the brain will not cease to think. But does my head not follow my heart? If so, why not? These questions forever linger, unanswered. It's not abnormal to feel in such a way. It's perfectly normal, as a matter of fact, to feel unsure. It only means you care enough about yourself and your future to consider other options. The what if's of your past.

Trust yourself. Go with it. Listen to your heart. Or your head, whatever will make you feel better about being in a relationship.

I used to talk nonstop about my boyfriend. Now? Not so much. What is the significance in talking about the person you have already talked enough about for the first year? Does that mean you love him any less? Maybe. Does that mean you've fallen out of love? Maybe. Does that mean you are still in love with him? I don't know... "I just don't know" seems to be the answer to every question in relation to my relationship. When I do find the answer, I hope it will place my heart in the right person's hand...

Painful Breakups

I've gone through a friendship breakup that was quite severe in high school.

I almost experienced something similar yesterday. When you have a really bad friendship breakup, the pain you feel is... Dull. When you get torn up and hurt physically, you get a rush of adrenaline released from your body to numb the pain. Afterwards, you don't feel anything. Until the adrenaline rush dies down and you feel the most unbearable pain there is. It's the worst kind of pain, and I cannot emphasize on how much it tore my heart to pieces the first time I went through it. I honestly think it was worse than the breakup with my ex-boyfriend. That was horrible for me, but this? It cannot even compare to the absurdity of the amount of pain you feel. It's indescribable how much it hurts inside. Thinking about losing my best friend, I could even drive myself to be so depressed, I could commit suicide. That's how extreme it is. That's how much it hurts for me.

Friends, for me, don't come easily. They should be precious to you, irreplaceable, and you should always feel a nice, fuzzy, warmth when you think of your best friend. I believe friendship is a different type of love: it is sometimes better than the love you have for your partner. The bond between friends can surpass the bond between lovers, because you tend to tell your deepest and darkest secrets to your friends. Of course you'd tell your lover all the complaints you have about your best friend, but that, my friends, is nothing compared to how much we talk behind our partners. It is hilarious to weigh the goods and bads of boyfriends over goods and bads of best friends. There's a common saying that goes like, "bros before ho's"... It is very true in most cases, at least for me.

Undergoing a breakup with a best friend leaves the greatest remorse and regret. You always think, what if you did things differently? What if you tried harder to make them feel closer to you? So many 'what if's' go through your mind, and at the end, you just have to ask yourself, did you try your best to be their best friend? If the answer is yes, you have nothing to lose. It's the same as any other relationship. You have to give it your all to receive their all, and if that doesn't happen, relationships often falter and ultimately fail. So, to whom does the victory go? Well, whoever tried their best. Their ultimate best - to make sure their best friend feels comfortable, to make sure they are healthy, to make sure they are content with their life and its goals.

Power to you who managed to keep a best friend around for at least ten years. Sure, you might have had major fights and arguments in between, but they help build your relationship even further. Knowing what the other person is upset about you, will help you become a better person. If you want advice from anybody, turn to your best friend. They will give you the best advice that best suits your needs, your personality, and your surroundings. If they don't know you that well, then regrettably, they really aren't your best friends. They sometimes know your potential to be a better person and help you move forward, even when you doubt yourself.

In conclusion, don't ever falter. Don't lose your best friends. Don't give up on them, especially when you're unstable, because you'll realize sooner or later, you need them more than they need you at times. But they'll put up with you for whatever it is worth. Because they're your best friends. Love them, care for them, miss them when they aren't there, and treasure them. That's the only way you'll receive their love too.

I love you, my darling best friends - you better know who you are! J'adore vous <3

You are the BEST friends a girl could ever ask for!

POEMS GALORE! (Part 2)

This piece is called "The Rose." It's a poem inspired by the flower which symbolizes love (when red lol). It's something I wrote in a hurry back in high school, but it does get the message of tender affection across, in my opinion. Please enjoy! :)

The Rose

How could something so delicate be so deadly?

How can something so beautiful be so hurtful?

You give me so much pleasure but bring so much pain.

You numb me with your astounding beauty.

How could one flower put so many smiles on peoples’ faces?

How can a rose mean giving away your heart?

You make me feel invincible and yet completely worthless.

Undeserving of such intricate, utter perfection!

How could I show you the amount of love I have for you?

The one true desire and the sole purpose of life?

I’ll give you a rose – the sweetest,

Most fragrant, and flawless one I could find.

You’re my everything and more – I dedicate this rose to you.

POEMS GALORE! (Part 1)

So... I have a guilty pleasure and it's called bleeding emotions into words, aka writing! It helps me release anguish, stress, happiness, guilt, anything I feel can be carried onto paper. This is the magic of words, and I have a collection of poems I've been writing since... Oh I don't know, YEARS before I came to Canada but I wanted to share those I have written in English :) Yay! These are essentially raw emotions converted into words that popped into my head in order to describe, for lack of a better word, my emotions at the time. I guess you could call it transcribing emotions into words! It's definitely unedited so viewers can experience the raw edge and feel of the poetry. Please feel free to comment! I'm all ears! To start off, I'll introduce one of my earliest works: it's a poem of love. Most of my poetry is of love, but this one... It meant a lot to me because of a dear friend I no longer have. It was inspired by our friendship, although this poetry is about love. I tend to think of friendship and love in similar terms because they are both intimate relationships between two people. It's very common to mistake these relationships, but why should you differentiate? They are just different types of love you have for people. Think of the people you love in your life as cherished moments in life, since time does not wait - but at the same time, emotions and feelings want to linger. It might not make sense, these words, but I hope they ring true in your heart. Without further ado, here's "My Everything":


I’m sorry you had to go through so much.

I’m sorry you had to suffer...

I hope you forget.

I hope you get over it.

But even if you don’t,

And even if you can’t be mine,

I’ll still be here for you,

‘Cause I’ll love you forever.

I’ll wait forever,

Just to get your love.

You’re worth forever,

‘Cause you’re my reason to live.

…You’re my everything.

Break Up, Back Up!

It's been a long while since I have blogged anything, so I have decided to update my life and current affairs again. I wanted to share in particular about the break-up with my boyfriend... It will be a long story for the short amount of time all this happened in. I hope you can relate to it in some way, and if not, read it for your amusement, for a laugh, even. But do keep in mind that break-ups tend to end badly...


So here it goes:


I haven't realized the fact that I have been distant from so many friends since I started being in a relationship with my current boyfriend (from two years back), or all the fun things I have been missing out on. The tension was building, my anger kept growing, I could have vented it out through writing, singing, dancing, or anything, really! Instead, I decided to prod my boyfriend with complaints and arguments as to why we're not actively doing interesting things, and why he can't keep me amused 24/7. It is rather impossible, I have found, to amuse someone for more than two hours, and when you spend more than three days in a week with that person (minimum of three hours a day), it's hard to keep them focused on you. With this in mind, I do not encourage all the girlfriends out there to bug your boyfriend so much with date ideas and gifts. They have their limits, as do you!


Last night was probably the most incredibly eventful and ridiculously humiliating, as well as the saddest night of this year, so far. The reason being the long-subdued "break-up" with my boyfriend. The first reason I decided to break up with my boyfriend was that he is nine years older than I am. Myself being twenty-two at this moment, it makes him thirty-one. He has reached the adequate age when he should start looking (if not already found) a partner to settle down in marriage with. My father mentioned one day, when we were grocery shopping for my mom, that I should not be prolonging his moving on, to find a permanent partner to settle with if I were not going to marry my boyfriend. That it would be wrong of me to hold on to him whilst I have feelings of "love" for him, especially if I did not see a future for us together. Of course I have had conversations with my boyfriend regarding these subjects, but he always dismissed them with, "As long as we love each other, we'll be fine. It doesn't always have to end in marriage for us, nor am I asking you to marry me at such a young age. I want you to enjoy our relationship, and not think of it as something weighing me down when I should be looking for a possible candidate for a wife." So we set that aside every time, with him replying in such a manner. But it was different this time. A month or so ago, I started doubting my feelings for him, thinking, 'What if this isn't love? What do I still feel for him that is not just simply care?' It drove me into a difficult and dark corner and I had to think my way out of it. As I was mulling over these ominous thoughts of breaking up with my boyfriend in my head, something unbelievable happened.


I did something utterly stupid, and needless to say, it altered my decision about my boyfriend the minute it happened. It wasn't anything horrendously stupid, I swear. But it was wrong and I felt guilt as soon as it occurred. I did not expect that from myself, so I was also in a state of shock. Even more surprisingly, I felt the urge to break up with my boyfriend as soon as it happened. Should I not be crying and apologizing to him? But no, I felt like I needed to get away from this relationship. It's like I was so self-absorbed I didn't even think for a second about how my boyfriend would react or how he would feel about it until after. So last night, we has previously purchased tickets to go watch the Avengers up in Richmond Hill. With an extremely heavy heart, I left my house feeling guilty and sorry for him. I had spoken to two of my closest friends regarding my stupidity and they gave different advice, but they both suggested if my heart was no longer there, it's better to break up with him than prolong it for however much longer, because it would become more and more difficult in a process. I accepted that fact, but before and after the movie, my boyfriend kept talking to me, and asking what was wrong, was I feeling depressed? If so, why? All his concern only depressed me further and I wanted to get out of his reach. I felt bad enough already, having thoughts of breaking up in my head. But with his worrying about me? It could only get worse from there. When we finished the movie, we were famished. I also needed to urinate badly. So he parked in front of the Korean supermarket (Galleria) and the minute he turned off the engine, I started to sob uncontrollably. I was crying on the way there, but I did not want him to notice me crying, so I kept wiping away my tears as if my eyes were itchy. It didn't work, obviously, because I kept crying harder and harder, as the dark clouds of breaking up stormed over my head. He was hugging me and wiping away my tears, asking if I were okay, what's wrong, did he do something wrong? No, it was none of that. I was talking through my sobs, and it was so painful to squeeze the words out of my mouth, even though I had them inside my head. My heart wouldn't follow my brain, and I was once again jammed between thoughts and emotions running through my body. Just after blowing my nose for the third time (because I couldn't breathe through the clogging lol), I managed to say that I came out with him to break up with him... He then sighed loudly and asked, "Is that what you really want? How did you come up with such an idea?" I told him the first reason I wanted to break up with him, and the second reason - I felt no more love for him in my heart. It felt empty and I felt no joy of being around with him and I felt guilty for wasting his time when he could be looking for someone else to marry. He then tilted his head back, and I watched his lips shudder, and for the first time since we started dating, I saw a single drop of tear rolling down the side of his cheek.


I started sobbing even harder because of his love for me. I could see from his tears that followed after the first, that he found this to be unexpected yet he was not resisting to the idea of breaking up. I felt horrible for being selfish, stupid for being careless, and even worse for not realizing how much he loved me for the past couple of months. He then said to me, "I promised you when we started dating that my love for you will not be flaming or passionate, but it will be steady and unchanging. I feel like I kept that promise for you, but I am very sorry I couldn't be a better boyfriend to you..." We held each other for what seemed like forever, and I did not want to let go. Even know the shoulder of his shirt was getting soaked with tears and I was crying obnoxiously loudly into his ear, he did not seem to want to let go of me either. That moment, I pulled away, and gave him the two-year anniversary card I had made for him, consisting of my scrap-booking skills on two Bristol boards put together. I decorated it with cut paper, spelling out his name, pasting hearts everywhere, and designed it with care, knowing it would be my last gift to him. When I was preparing it for him, my mind started going blank. This was rare for me since I don't usually run out of things to say to people unless they don't appeal to me anymore. Then, the morning of my final decision, I started to put together the card again, only this time, with messages of thankfulness and apologies, instead of love. He read the part when I listed all the things I was thankful for. He read all the things of what I disliked about him, then he started to read the apology with which my break-up message was intricately linked with. I watched for his reactions carefully as his eyes searched for words on the gigantic card. I only felt remorse and sadness then, but not because I was breaking up with him and it was difficult, but because I would not be able to have the same relationship with this person again. We would be two separate people, living our two separate lives, and we would not be able to share the joys and laughs we used to anymore. That moment, he finished reading everything I had written down for him, and whispered, "Thank you."


I broke down in sobs again, and cried so hard, holding him, and wiped tears from his eyes, trying to comfort him in some way. We held each other thinking it would be our last embrace as a couple. Then I listened to him tell me that he had been thinking about breaking up with me as well, but he diminished the option when he kept thinking about how much he would miss me at his side. He said he wanted me to find someone better than him, someone that could provide much more for me than he could, and that I should stop dieting because I was skinny enough without losing more weight. He also said that he has so much in his head telling him he should have done better, he could have done better! I simply yelled at him, "Why can't you try harder? Why don't you do better? You can say something to hold me back! Say anything to hold me back! Why aren't you even trying to hold me back?!" He stopped crying, looked at me, laughed a little, and said, "Aren't you breaking up with me? Why do you want me to hold you back? I thought you wanted to break up with me!" Then a light bulb lit up inside my head: I don't have to break up with him right now! He asked if I would miss him terribly, if my heart would feel empty without him, if I might regret breaking up with him in the tiniest bit, even. I answered, "Yes." He turned to me, kissed my forehead, looked into my swollen and tearful eyes, and asked, "Do you want to try working things out with me?" I replied, "Yes." We embraced once again, but not because we were sad anymore, or had feelings of regret; we were hopeful and glad we had each other to depend on and care about. Love. We felt love again as we embraced and I sighed, relieved, explaining to him the ideology behind my break-up and he laughed at me and my red nose, from crying so much. My stomach growled just then, and he laughed again, and asked if I were hungry.


We ended up at McDonald's and I ordered a large mango pineapple smoothie and gulped it down fast, after using their washroom. My boyfriend ordered an Angus burger combo. I was red in the face from crying, my nose was red, my eyes swollen, I looked like somebody died and I was at the funeral a minute ago. He looked at me lovingly and said, "You're so cute when you cry." I smacked his head, happily, knowing that we would have more laughs, fights, and so much to share together. I was happy in that messed up, spur of the moment: I had a boyfriend who loved me enough to share his tears with me when he thought about losing me. He was always there, even though we have our countless faults, we could work it out together. As he dropped me off at my house, he smiled at me and kissed me.


I remember saying that I would only be his girlfriend until I found someone else to love, few months back. He said that's okay. That's how relationships work anyways. For every relationship, they face their most difficult hardship when they reach two years. After that, you could date for a long ass time, and not get tired of another. This morning I woke up, feeling the swelling in my eyes. But I felt happier than I had been in a long time. Like I finally did something right with my boyfriend. I felt love again, and let's hope it's there to stay...