Break Up, Back Up!

It's been a long while since I have blogged anything, so I have decided to update my life and current affairs again. I wanted to share in particular about the break-up with my boyfriend... It will be a long story for the short amount of time all this happened in. I hope you can relate to it in some way, and if not, read it for your amusement, for a laugh, even. But do keep in mind that break-ups tend to end badly...


So here it goes:


I haven't realized the fact that I have been distant from so many friends since I started being in a relationship with my current boyfriend (from two years back), or all the fun things I have been missing out on. The tension was building, my anger kept growing, I could have vented it out through writing, singing, dancing, or anything, really! Instead, I decided to prod my boyfriend with complaints and arguments as to why we're not actively doing interesting things, and why he can't keep me amused 24/7. It is rather impossible, I have found, to amuse someone for more than two hours, and when you spend more than three days in a week with that person (minimum of three hours a day), it's hard to keep them focused on you. With this in mind, I do not encourage all the girlfriends out there to bug your boyfriend so much with date ideas and gifts. They have their limits, as do you!


Last night was probably the most incredibly eventful and ridiculously humiliating, as well as the saddest night of this year, so far. The reason being the long-subdued "break-up" with my boyfriend. The first reason I decided to break up with my boyfriend was that he is nine years older than I am. Myself being twenty-two at this moment, it makes him thirty-one. He has reached the adequate age when he should start looking (if not already found) a partner to settle down in marriage with. My father mentioned one day, when we were grocery shopping for my mom, that I should not be prolonging his moving on, to find a permanent partner to settle with if I were not going to marry my boyfriend. That it would be wrong of me to hold on to him whilst I have feelings of "love" for him, especially if I did not see a future for us together. Of course I have had conversations with my boyfriend regarding these subjects, but he always dismissed them with, "As long as we love each other, we'll be fine. It doesn't always have to end in marriage for us, nor am I asking you to marry me at such a young age. I want you to enjoy our relationship, and not think of it as something weighing me down when I should be looking for a possible candidate for a wife." So we set that aside every time, with him replying in such a manner. But it was different this time. A month or so ago, I started doubting my feelings for him, thinking, 'What if this isn't love? What do I still feel for him that is not just simply care?' It drove me into a difficult and dark corner and I had to think my way out of it. As I was mulling over these ominous thoughts of breaking up with my boyfriend in my head, something unbelievable happened.


I did something utterly stupid, and needless to say, it altered my decision about my boyfriend the minute it happened. It wasn't anything horrendously stupid, I swear. But it was wrong and I felt guilt as soon as it occurred. I did not expect that from myself, so I was also in a state of shock. Even more surprisingly, I felt the urge to break up with my boyfriend as soon as it happened. Should I not be crying and apologizing to him? But no, I felt like I needed to get away from this relationship. It's like I was so self-absorbed I didn't even think for a second about how my boyfriend would react or how he would feel about it until after. So last night, we has previously purchased tickets to go watch the Avengers up in Richmond Hill. With an extremely heavy heart, I left my house feeling guilty and sorry for him. I had spoken to two of my closest friends regarding my stupidity and they gave different advice, but they both suggested if my heart was no longer there, it's better to break up with him than prolong it for however much longer, because it would become more and more difficult in a process. I accepted that fact, but before and after the movie, my boyfriend kept talking to me, and asking what was wrong, was I feeling depressed? If so, why? All his concern only depressed me further and I wanted to get out of his reach. I felt bad enough already, having thoughts of breaking up in my head. But with his worrying about me? It could only get worse from there. When we finished the movie, we were famished. I also needed to urinate badly. So he parked in front of the Korean supermarket (Galleria) and the minute he turned off the engine, I started to sob uncontrollably. I was crying on the way there, but I did not want him to notice me crying, so I kept wiping away my tears as if my eyes were itchy. It didn't work, obviously, because I kept crying harder and harder, as the dark clouds of breaking up stormed over my head. He was hugging me and wiping away my tears, asking if I were okay, what's wrong, did he do something wrong? No, it was none of that. I was talking through my sobs, and it was so painful to squeeze the words out of my mouth, even though I had them inside my head. My heart wouldn't follow my brain, and I was once again jammed between thoughts and emotions running through my body. Just after blowing my nose for the third time (because I couldn't breathe through the clogging lol), I managed to say that I came out with him to break up with him... He then sighed loudly and asked, "Is that what you really want? How did you come up with such an idea?" I told him the first reason I wanted to break up with him, and the second reason - I felt no more love for him in my heart. It felt empty and I felt no joy of being around with him and I felt guilty for wasting his time when he could be looking for someone else to marry. He then tilted his head back, and I watched his lips shudder, and for the first time since we started dating, I saw a single drop of tear rolling down the side of his cheek.


I started sobbing even harder because of his love for me. I could see from his tears that followed after the first, that he found this to be unexpected yet he was not resisting to the idea of breaking up. I felt horrible for being selfish, stupid for being careless, and even worse for not realizing how much he loved me for the past couple of months. He then said to me, "I promised you when we started dating that my love for you will not be flaming or passionate, but it will be steady and unchanging. I feel like I kept that promise for you, but I am very sorry I couldn't be a better boyfriend to you..." We held each other for what seemed like forever, and I did not want to let go. Even know the shoulder of his shirt was getting soaked with tears and I was crying obnoxiously loudly into his ear, he did not seem to want to let go of me either. That moment, I pulled away, and gave him the two-year anniversary card I had made for him, consisting of my scrap-booking skills on two Bristol boards put together. I decorated it with cut paper, spelling out his name, pasting hearts everywhere, and designed it with care, knowing it would be my last gift to him. When I was preparing it for him, my mind started going blank. This was rare for me since I don't usually run out of things to say to people unless they don't appeal to me anymore. Then, the morning of my final decision, I started to put together the card again, only this time, with messages of thankfulness and apologies, instead of love. He read the part when I listed all the things I was thankful for. He read all the things of what I disliked about him, then he started to read the apology with which my break-up message was intricately linked with. I watched for his reactions carefully as his eyes searched for words on the gigantic card. I only felt remorse and sadness then, but not because I was breaking up with him and it was difficult, but because I would not be able to have the same relationship with this person again. We would be two separate people, living our two separate lives, and we would not be able to share the joys and laughs we used to anymore. That moment, he finished reading everything I had written down for him, and whispered, "Thank you."


I broke down in sobs again, and cried so hard, holding him, and wiped tears from his eyes, trying to comfort him in some way. We held each other thinking it would be our last embrace as a couple. Then I listened to him tell me that he had been thinking about breaking up with me as well, but he diminished the option when he kept thinking about how much he would miss me at his side. He said he wanted me to find someone better than him, someone that could provide much more for me than he could, and that I should stop dieting because I was skinny enough without losing more weight. He also said that he has so much in his head telling him he should have done better, he could have done better! I simply yelled at him, "Why can't you try harder? Why don't you do better? You can say something to hold me back! Say anything to hold me back! Why aren't you even trying to hold me back?!" He stopped crying, looked at me, laughed a little, and said, "Aren't you breaking up with me? Why do you want me to hold you back? I thought you wanted to break up with me!" Then a light bulb lit up inside my head: I don't have to break up with him right now! He asked if I would miss him terribly, if my heart would feel empty without him, if I might regret breaking up with him in the tiniest bit, even. I answered, "Yes." He turned to me, kissed my forehead, looked into my swollen and tearful eyes, and asked, "Do you want to try working things out with me?" I replied, "Yes." We embraced once again, but not because we were sad anymore, or had feelings of regret; we were hopeful and glad we had each other to depend on and care about. Love. We felt love again as we embraced and I sighed, relieved, explaining to him the ideology behind my break-up and he laughed at me and my red nose, from crying so much. My stomach growled just then, and he laughed again, and asked if I were hungry.


We ended up at McDonald's and I ordered a large mango pineapple smoothie and gulped it down fast, after using their washroom. My boyfriend ordered an Angus burger combo. I was red in the face from crying, my nose was red, my eyes swollen, I looked like somebody died and I was at the funeral a minute ago. He looked at me lovingly and said, "You're so cute when you cry." I smacked his head, happily, knowing that we would have more laughs, fights, and so much to share together. I was happy in that messed up, spur of the moment: I had a boyfriend who loved me enough to share his tears with me when he thought about losing me. He was always there, even though we have our countless faults, we could work it out together. As he dropped me off at my house, he smiled at me and kissed me.


I remember saying that I would only be his girlfriend until I found someone else to love, few months back. He said that's okay. That's how relationships work anyways. For every relationship, they face their most difficult hardship when they reach two years. After that, you could date for a long ass time, and not get tired of another. This morning I woke up, feeling the swelling in my eyes. But I felt happier than I had been in a long time. Like I finally did something right with my boyfriend. I felt love again, and let's hope it's there to stay...